This post may be a bit heavy, and will contain some mature content. It contains drug references and may be triggering to some people. So please, read with caution…
I last left off telling my “story” (here) and I was now a completely different person than I had been before the incident. Although I had Holly reach out to me, I had no desire to talk about what I was going through. Now I am not going to sit here and say I was a complete angel before that Halloween, because I wasn’t. However looking back I can say that something changed inside of me. It was like all logical thinking was gone and I was angry. But most importantly I think the major things that changed about me was that I no longer cared.. I no longer cared about my life, school, family, or even myself for that matter. I also started hanging out with different people than the friends that I had grown up.
I am sure this was evident by my behaviors. Unfortunately around this time partying because a constant in my inner city high school. Drugs and alcohol were everywhere you turned.. in classes, outside school, etc. It was like an epidemic took over and most of my graduating class were the ones to get “sick”. Myself included. My new friends and I had no desire to attend classes and all we did was pretty much skip school and get stoned. As you can imagine my grades fell, and really quick. Even when I did attend school, I was nothing but disruptive. This “lifestyle” I had gotten myself into went on for the majority of my high school, until eventually my high school just got tired of me and decided it was better for me not attend, and I was in no shape to attend anyways.
However, what I didn’t realize at this time was that not only was my lifestyle all fun and games, it was also deadly. By the time I left school my senior year I was actually “addicted” to my fun partying ways…
-To be continued.
Showing posts with label my PAST. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my PAST. Show all posts
Friday, March 11, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Venting - When friendships go bad...
I remember being in high school thinking that "when I got older; I would have little to no drama in my life." Le sigh. How naive I was. In fact, the older I got, the more serious the "drama" got, relevant to actual life experiences instead of who was caught with who in the girls bathroom. Now-a-days, especially the last few months, I have had my own dose of real-life drama...
Rewind:
For the past 6 ish years, I have the same the "group of girlfriends". The type of friends that I was sure would be in my wedding, that I would celebrate my 30th, 40th, and; 50th birthdays with. Girls, whom in all honesty, I would've done anything for. And I did. I was always there to lean on when leaned upon. I was there through the break-ups, heartaches, and always listened when one in our group was bitching about another... Now that I think back, maybe that should have been a warning sign. If these girls were talking "smack" about each other to me, they mostly likely were talking about me to each other too.
Over the summer, the truth finally came out. After realizing more and more that I was on the "out", and that no matter how hard I tried, I got no response and no effort on their part. And, to kick me while I am down, insulted me, the man I'll marry one day, and our lifestyle. Seems that naive me thought these girls accepted me. I was wrong. Not only was it made clear that they have had many conversations behind my back, but also made it clear that I had been so wrong about these friendships and the meaning they had for me versus the meaning to them.
I wish I could say I didn't cry hysterically, but that would be a lie. I wish I could I say that I do not care, but that too; would be a lie. I did cry. A lot. I cried not just because of the false accusations, but also because I feel like I was punched in the gut. I feel betrayed, sad, angry, and pretty much every other emotion there is. I am angry because the accusation is a complete lie, and I believe they know it too. I think it is an excuse, and that I just didn't fit the "mold". Which, I do not. I am not into going out all the time and partying at bar after bar. I am over staying out until 3AM; and usually turn into a pumpkin around midnight... I am into hanging out at home, having Sunday dinner & movie nights with my love and his daughter - and with a boyfriend that works the "mid" shift (11pm-7am) and about 35 hours overtime per week, I am into spending time with my boyfriend over a casual Friday night dinner.
I do not have a traditional relationship. I do not have a traditional life. Yes, I am madly in love with an older man. Yes, he has two teenagers (one, of which, lives with us). Yes, I have some "motherly" aspects of my relationship with his daughter. Yes, I am "beyond my years". But I chose all these things; and would not have it any other way.
Want to know what else I have? LOVE. Happiness. I am loved, in a way that I never thought possible. I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man, whom I truly believe is my soul mate.
I smile, everyday, because of my life, my loved ones, and the few "true" friends that have stuck by me.
I have what makes others jealous: I am truly happy.
- A
Rewind:
For the past 6 ish years, I have the same the "group of girlfriends". The type of friends that I was sure would be in my wedding, that I would celebrate my 30th, 40th, and; 50th birthdays with. Girls, whom in all honesty, I would've done anything for. And I did. I was always there to lean on when leaned upon. I was there through the break-ups, heartaches, and always listened when one in our group was bitching about another... Now that I think back, maybe that should have been a warning sign. If these girls were talking "smack" about each other to me, they mostly likely were talking about me to each other too.
Over the summer, the truth finally came out. After realizing more and more that I was on the "out", and that no matter how hard I tried, I got no response and no effort on their part. And, to kick me while I am down, insulted me, the man I'll marry one day, and our lifestyle. Seems that naive me thought these girls accepted me. I was wrong. Not only was it made clear that they have had many conversations behind my back, but also made it clear that I had been so wrong about these friendships and the meaning they had for me versus the meaning to them.
I wish I could say I didn't cry hysterically, but that would be a lie. I wish I could I say that I do not care, but that too; would be a lie. I did cry. A lot. I cried not just because of the false accusations, but also because I feel like I was punched in the gut. I feel betrayed, sad, angry, and pretty much every other emotion there is. I am angry because the accusation is a complete lie, and I believe they know it too. I think it is an excuse, and that I just didn't fit the "mold". Which, I do not. I am not into going out all the time and partying at bar after bar. I am over staying out until 3AM; and usually turn into a pumpkin around midnight... I am into hanging out at home, having Sunday dinner & movie nights with my love and his daughter - and with a boyfriend that works the "mid" shift (11pm-7am) and about 35 hours overtime per week, I am into spending time with my boyfriend over a casual Friday night dinner.
I do not have a traditional relationship. I do not have a traditional life. Yes, I am madly in love with an older man. Yes, he has two teenagers (one, of which, lives with us). Yes, I have some "motherly" aspects of my relationship with his daughter. Yes, I am "beyond my years". But I chose all these things; and would not have it any other way.
Want to know what else I have? LOVE. Happiness. I am loved, in a way that I never thought possible. I am in an amazing relationship with an amazing man, whom I truly believe is my soul mate.
I smile, everyday, because of my life, my loved ones, and the few "true" friends that have stuck by me.
I have what makes others jealous: I am truly happy.
- A
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The poem that puts all the feelings into words...
Wasted Time...
Author: ______
------------------------
The Time that I've wasted is my biggest regret, Spent in these places I will never forget. Just sitting and thinking about the things that I've done the crying, the laughing, the hurt, the fun.
Now it's just me and my hard driven guilt behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built. I'm trapped in my body, just wanting to run; back to my youth - with it's laughter and fun .
But the chase is over and there's no place to hide. Everything is gone, including my pride. With reality suddenly right in my face, I'm scared, alone and stuck in this place.
Now memories of my past flash through my head, And the pain is obvious by the tears that I shed. "I ask myself " Why and where I went wrong? I guess I was weak when I should have been strong.
Living for the drugs and the wings I had grown, My feelings were lost, afraid to be shown. As I look at my past it's so easy to see - the fear that I had, afraid to be me.
It's time that I change and get on with my life - what my future holds I really don't know but the years that I've wasted are starting to show.
I just live for the day when I'll get a new start and the dreams I still hold deep within my heart. I hope I can make it, I at least have to try- Because I'm heading toward Death - And I don't want to die..
Now it's just me and my hard driven guilt behind a wall of emptiness I allowed to be built. I'm trapped in my body, just wanting to run; back to my youth - with it's laughter and fun .
But the chase is over and there's no place to hide. Everything is gone, including my pride. With reality suddenly right in my face, I'm scared, alone and stuck in this place.
Now memories of my past flash through my head, And the pain is obvious by the tears that I shed. "I ask myself " Why and where I went wrong? I guess I was weak when I should have been strong.
Living for the drugs and the wings I had grown, My feelings were lost, afraid to be shown. As I look at my past it's so easy to see - the fear that I had, afraid to be me.
It's time that I change and get on with my life - what my future holds I really don't know but the years that I've wasted are starting to show.
I just live for the day when I'll get a new start and the dreams I still hold deep within my heart. I hope I can make it, I at least have to try- Because I'm heading toward Death - And I don't want to die..
Friday, January 21, 2011
Wanting to scream...
That fateful Halloween changed everything. And I mean everything. I went from a normal, happy teenager to a confused, violated angry person.. But the beat went on. And on it did. I went to school, and I believe I made it to about fourth period before I broke down and told someone what had happened to me. Her name was Holly, and she was what my HS called an adjustment counselor. I will give you a little background information on Holly and I....
Holly was not assigned to me in school. Holly worked with students who need "iep's" or "individual educational plans" as well as kids who had what some would call "behavior" problems. I don't really know how I feel into Holly's hands in school but I did. I used her and her office as a hiding place, most likely for all the wrong the reasons (like to get out of class) but also used Holly to talk. Yep, just talk. Holly was the first adult that I had come in contact with throughout my life that I actually felt like I could talk to. And the first adult that actually listened. She actually cared; (whether it be her job or not) and at that point in my life, that was a big deal for me. I cherished my "talking" time with Holly, and eventually was able to see her once a week in lieu of a class.
----
After "what happened", I remember just aimlessly walking around the halls in school. Not going anywhere in particular, and definitely not going to class. Just walking around. I remember feeling so lost, confused, angry, sad, mad ... almost every emotion one could think of. Down one hallway, I ran into Holly. Maybe she knew something was off, maybe not, either way she told me to head to her office. So I did. It didn't take long for it to just come blurting out.
As I think back, I don't think Holly knew what to do. What to say. Lord knows, I didn't. All I knew is that I wanted to go home. I left Holly's office and went home. It wasn't a half hour later that Holly called me at home and told me to come back to school...
So I did.
I ended up back at school. At this point, it is a tad blurry. It was like living a dream nightmare. I hadn't even thought of going to the doctor's... My mind was just so blurry. I thank God everyday that Holly did. She drove me to the nearest doctor, and I was given tests as well as the "Plan B" pill to prevent pregnancy. Regardless of your thoughts on the abortion matter, I also thank God everyday for that pill too. It is clear that Holly had went above and beyond her responsibilities, and thankfully so. I was in a pretty bad place went I had gotten back home that day from school. My mind, emotions, everything was just so messed up, and I doubt Holly realizes just exactly what she did that day... It wasn't the fact that consoled me, the fact that she researched and spoke to the appropriate people on what to do, nor the fact that she drove me to the doctors and sat with me ... that day when Holly called me back to school ... I am pretty sure she saved me from myself.
Holly was not assigned to me in school. Holly worked with students who need "iep's" or "individual educational plans" as well as kids who had what some would call "behavior" problems. I don't really know how I feel into Holly's hands in school but I did. I used her and her office as a hiding place, most likely for all the wrong the reasons (like to get out of class) but also used Holly to talk. Yep, just talk. Holly was the first adult that I had come in contact with throughout my life that I actually felt like I could talk to. And the first adult that actually listened. She actually cared; (whether it be her job or not) and at that point in my life, that was a big deal for me. I cherished my "talking" time with Holly, and eventually was able to see her once a week in lieu of a class.
----
After "what happened", I remember just aimlessly walking around the halls in school. Not going anywhere in particular, and definitely not going to class. Just walking around. I remember feeling so lost, confused, angry, sad, mad ... almost every emotion one could think of. Down one hallway, I ran into Holly. Maybe she knew something was off, maybe not, either way she told me to head to her office. So I did. It didn't take long for it to just come blurting out.
As I think back, I don't think Holly knew what to do. What to say. Lord knows, I didn't. All I knew is that I wanted to go home. I left Holly's office and went home. It wasn't a half hour later that Holly called me at home and told me to come back to school...
So I did.
I ended up back at school. At this point, it is a tad blurry. It was like living a dream nightmare. I hadn't even thought of going to the doctor's... My mind was just so blurry. I thank God everyday that Holly did. She drove me to the nearest doctor, and I was given tests as well as the "Plan B" pill to prevent pregnancy. Regardless of your thoughts on the abortion matter, I also thank God everyday for that pill too. It is clear that Holly had went above and beyond her responsibilities, and thankfully so. I was in a pretty bad place went I had gotten back home that day from school. My mind, emotions, everything was just so messed up, and I doubt Holly realizes just exactly what she did that day... It wasn't the fact that consoled me, the fact that she researched and spoke to the appropriate people on what to do, nor the fact that she drove me to the doctors and sat with me ... that day when Holly called me back to school ... I am pretty sure she saved me from myself.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Skeletons in the closet...
Do you have any? I know I do. Life started out so "normal" for me. I did well in school, was a competitive swimmer for about 10 years of life and a cheerleader in middle school. In high school, I continued to swim, Cheer, and also picked up Softball and track and field. High school hit, and all hell broke loose.
The setting: It is my first Halloween Party as a high school student. I thought I was "super cool" because I was going to an adult party (IE: 20 -30 something year old) I remember it like it was yesterday.. I dressed up like a ladybug, ladybug dots on my back and all. I remember having a beer, no big deal, I had tried beer before. Then another. Then another. Four beers later I was pretty messed up. This is where things get blurry..... and this is where I skip a few parts for the sake of the blog world ... The next morning... I knew what had happened. I was so confused. "Was it my fault? Did I somehow "ask for it"? I had so many thoughts and emotions, I just wanted to scream....
The setting: It is my first Halloween Party as a high school student. I thought I was "super cool" because I was going to an adult party (IE: 20 -30 something year old) I remember it like it was yesterday.. I dressed up like a ladybug, ladybug dots on my back and all. I remember having a beer, no big deal, I had tried beer before. Then another. Then another. Four beers later I was pretty messed up. This is where things get blurry..... and this is where I skip a few parts for the sake of the blog world ... The next morning... I knew what had happened. I was so confused. "Was it my fault? Did I somehow "ask for it"? I had so many thoughts and emotions, I just wanted to scream....
